“…We do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter…the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will…but even if He does not…we will not serve your gods…” Daniel 3:16-18 NIV

Did you know self-healing is a false god? The desire to be healed is not wrong but trying to heal ourselves or someone else is. Why? Because there is only one God, one Healer, and He ain’t we.

In January of 2023, I rang in the new year in such a heap of depression that I didn’t eat for three days. On day 3 I realized I had been bombarded with old wounds I thought I had healed from. I was grieving past relationships that had ended a decade prior and those wounds threw me into a deep trench of despair and self-pity. On the third day I snapped out of it, made myself eat and decided I needed to embark on a healing journey that would close all past wounds once and for all. I read a book on control, poured myself into gym workouts and other self-improvements. However, life had other plans and 2023 turned out to be a year of severe heartache, major upheaval and much unknown. By August I was worn out from fighting battles in my own strength. I allowed a root of bitterness to grow but wasn’t even aware of this weed’s existence. I found myself so angry with God that I refused to pray or read a single word from my Bible. I lashed out at friends and at one point believed I was just going to have to heal alone. It would be a year later before I would finally allow God to soften what I had hardened and begin to seek Him and His will once again.

My desire to heal was not wrong. Most likely it was a revelation from God. But instead of allowing God to heal me, I took matters into my own hands. When I embarked on this journey of healing, I naively thought it would only take a self-help book or two, and a few prayers filled with surface-level surrender. From a timeline perspective, I figured this would be just a month or two kind of process and I would finally be freed from these wounds. Those lies led to failure. Here’s where I failed. I trusted in a road map that I created with directions from a false narrative I had written instead of beginning this journey in the posture of prayer, practicing complete stillness and fully surrendering my will to God’s. If ever a year had lessons, 2023 not only shook my faith, it uprooted the mustard seed revealed just how conditional my trust in God was.

I’ve watched many sermons and read many devotions on trusting God even if; even if He doesn’t answer our prayers the way we expect and beg Him to. We are called to worship Him even if He doesn’t come through the way we believed He would. I’ve even heard testimony of others praising God when His answer was “no.” Instead of putting this into practice, when God has told me no or answered my prayers differently than I had planned, I argue, wrestle and give Him the silent treatment. I have even cussed in my prayers and demanded God to say “yes” to whatever it was I was begging of Him to do. In an effort to ward off total unbelief, I would declare a refusal to quit believing in His existence but truth be told, I do quit believing in His goodness and His perfect will. I question every word He has promised all of us and forget that His ways are not my ways (Isaiah 55:8). Every time hardship arrives, I put my own heart desires before His plan. Instead of saying, “even if”, I worship the false gods named “Doubt”, “Fear” and “Despair.” But there’s another even if I forget also. My God’s love for me never fails, even when my love for and trust in Him does.

What is your even if? What situations or circumstances in your life have shaken your faith, uprooted your mustard seed or turned you away from God? As you read this, I pray it challenges you to two things: 1.) Trust God even if He doesn’t defend or rescue you and 2.) Remember that God loves you even when your love is dependent upon how He intervenes in your life. Today may we all recommit ourselves to trusting, loving and worshipping God, even if…