“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Proverbs 4:23 NIV
***This post is for every woman who finds herself pining away for the man who broke her heart or simply wasn’t her Mr. Right.***
When you first met him he seemed like everything you had been praying for. Maybe he was charming, maybe affectionate, maybe he studied the bible, or maybe he just said all the right things. Whatever he was displaying, you fell quickly and you fell hard. In a few short moments, you found yourself head over heels in love. He appeared to be feeling the same way and life as you knew it just. seemed. perfect.
At some point you started dreaming of a future with him. Maybe it was after your first kiss or maybe it was after he said “I love you” the first time. Maybe your future consisted of a beach wedding at sunset or seeing yourselves growing old together sitting on a porch swing cuddled under a wool blanket during an autumn afternoon. At some point talk of the future arose and he seemed to share the same dream. You found yourself in the relationship you were looking for and life. seemed. perfect.
Then came the moment you wanted to make the dream a reality and suddenly he sits on a fence of indecision. Or maybe he changes the subject when you bring it up or makes excuses when you push for a deeper commitment. Maybe he completely ghosts you and you’re left wondering what went wrong. More devastating, maybe he found someone new and replaced you like a pair of old shoes. No matter the circumstance or how it happens, this man of your dreams walks out of your life and you’re left alone and heart broken.
Alone. For a large family or a person who is continuously surrounded by large crowds, this word means peace, tranquility and rest. For someone who longs for relationship, thrives on interpersonal connection or desires human touch, alone is a word that brings up feelings of abandonment, rejection or can lead to questioning one’s self worth.
Alone is just a word in the dictionary and loneliness is simply a state of mind. There are times I feel alone. Sometimes I feel most alone when I’m in a crowd that I don’t feel like I belong in. Other times when I’m home alone and I’m counting my blessings, I feel overwhelmed with the amount of friendships and the loving family I have been gifted.
There are times I also feel lonely. Those are the times that can get dangerous for people. You see, loneliness is a feeling that can really tug at one’s heart and travel one’s mind down memory lane. During that journey we find ourselves remembering little things about a former lover. Lonely memories don’t usually trigger the red flags in the relationship. Lonely memories trigger all the things that made you fall in love with the person-and those memories tug at your heart strings a little too hard.
Sometimes those memories make you think you miss the one who walked away. The more you meditate on the memories, the more you miss him and you may find yourself longing to be in a relationship with him again. You may even find yourself praying, asking God to bring you back together. If you entertain this too long, you could become convinced you two were meant to be together and take action to reunite.
A trip down this kind of memory lane is a slippery slope that needs to be stopped before your mind even thinks about turning down that road. One way to do that is to take the thoughts captive and recognize what triggered them. Maybe a love song started playing, maybe their name was spoken or you ran into someone that looked just like them. Whatever it was, recognize it. Then remind yourself of what you don’t miss. Maybe you don’t miss the lies they told. Maybe you don’t miss feeling like you never measured up to their expectations. Maybe you don’t miss being cheated on. I am confident most of us could say we don’t miss the excuses they made for not committing or the emotional roller coaster ride they put us on with their “Come close then get away” behavior. Whatever their character flaws were that broke your heart-list them out to remind yourself of what you don’t want in a relationship.
Then, recognize what you do miss, not in the person, rather list the behaviors that you miss. For example-maybe you miss the daily texts messages and how it felt to be pursued. Maybe you miss having someone to study God’s word with and to share in depths conversations about scripture. Maybe you miss having someone pray for you and with you. Maybe you miss the laughter and jokes that only the two of you shared or the silly nicknames you called each other when the relationship seemed solid and loving. Those are all good things to miss.
But guess what. Those things you’re missing aren’t qualities that only your ex possesses. They are universal character traits that you can find in someone else-someone who will love you exactly as you are, someone who won’t lie, cheat or play games with you and someone who will choose to commit to you. That someone is your “Mr. Right” and God will lead him to you when you’re most ready to receive that kind of love.
Why? Because you are marriage material and you are worth making a lifetime commitment to-hands down. How do I know this? Because Jesus proved it when He died on the cross long before you or I even existed. There maybe things that God wants to change in you and some areas of refinement needed before you meet the one He designed for you. Just know this-when the time is right, the Lord will make it happen. (Isaiah 60:22) In the meantime, don’t pine away for someone who isn’t pining away for you. Turn your focus on Jesus-He promises to go before you and to never leave you nor forsake you. (Deut. 31:6.) One more thing-the next time a love song comes on and you feel loneliness knocking at your door-change the station or make the song about your love for Jesus and remind yourself just how much you are loved by Him. Meditate on His word-especially on scriptures that reinforce that you are never alone and will bring you comfort when you do feel lonely. Never turn back to one that rejected you. That can only open the door to an endless cycle of broken heartedness. Don’t chase after another Mr. Wrong in effort to fill the void that rejection left. Chase after the One who is always with you, Who is near to the broken hearted and Who is the Creator of Agapé.
Please know this post was not written out of bitterness or with a man-hating heart. This is not an anti-man post nor is this an assumption that all break-ups are bad. This post was triggered after I found myself missing a friend and the steps I took to help me recognize what I was truly missing. There are examples listed of some things that have happened to me in past relationships but this isn’t triggered toward one specific person. This post also lists common examples that happen to anyone involved in a toxic relationship or simply found themselves having feelings for the wrong person. I pray those who read it, male or female, especially those who may be struggling to move on, find encouragement and maybe, just maybe, the strength to take that first step of allowing God to heal your broken heart.