“You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.”
Song of Songs 4:7 NLT
What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see God’s creation or do you see flaws? If you’re like me you see wrinkles, spurts of gray hair, blemishes, and many lumps and bumps from being slightly, moderately or even greatly overweight. Maybe you even do the whole suck your gut in thing in, buy Spanx or other body shaping items in an effort to smooth our your shape and buy the expensive “perfection” make-up to hide your flaws. But no matter how much you dress up your face and body, when you look in the mirror, if you’re like me, you still see ugly.
For as long as I can remember I have struggled with my looks and my weight. When I was a size 3 I thought I was overweight. In my teenage years I would only eat one meal a day for two weeks just to drop ten pounds. Imagine what my mind thinks being a size 16 now and the discouragement I feel when I exercise but don’t drop even one pound. Honestly, I avoid scales. I even reuse to get weighed at doctor appointments. If I don’t want to know my weight when then it’s nobody else’s business either. Lol I have severe anxiety if anyone wants to photograph a full body pic of me. Most of my pics are selfies because I’ve mastered the right angle to make myself look thinner. I tend wear plus sized tops typically to cover up my Puffy stomach and love handles. I also wear high heels to make me look taller in hopes it slims out my figure. I rarely go out without make-up because I think I look incredibly old and completely unattractive without it. I struggle greatly with seeing an ounce of beauty in myself and hearing it from others is very hard to accept.
Recently I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. One that inevitably could effect my weight causing me to gain more and definitely making it difficult for me to lose any. I’ve seen one specialist so far. It was a disappointing appointment to say the least. I was told there’s no cure and nothing I could to do to get better. I cried a a good stretch of my 1 hour drive home from that appointment. I also prayed. Do you know what I prayed as tears flowed down my face-“God-PLEASE don’t make me fatter than I already am.” I kept saying it over and over again. Weight gain is just one facet of this disease yet to me it’s the only one I cannot emotionally handle. But I am a fighter and I tend to fight harder when someone tells me I can’t do something. So hearing I won’t get better has motivated me to change my diet and exercise more with hopes to prove that doctor wrong. I haven’t gained any weight but I’m confident I haven’t lost anything either.
Yesterday I watched an episode of a 1980’s comedy, The Facts of Life. In this particular episode, Blaire, the girl who prided herself on being physically beautiful with a flawless complexion and perfectly coiffed hair, sustained a head injury in an auto accident. When she saw herself with this huge cut and stitches across her forehead she threw the mirrored tray she was looking into. She saw a hideous disfigured face looking back at her. She later dumped the man she was dating because she felt like she was damaged goods. The man however fought for her. He showed her some silly scars he had gained from injuries throughout his lifetime and asked her if she still loved him in spite of those scars. She admitted that those scars had no factor in her love for him. He reminded her that she was less than perfect before the gash on her forehead but that he loved all of her in spite of her imperfections. Of course in a 30 minute 80’s sitcom there’s usually a happy ending and this episode ended with Blaire reuniting with her boyfriend.
The Lord really spoke to me through that episode. In fact as I was walking down the short hallway in my home I felt the Lord show me His scars from the nails in that were driven into His hands and feet. I heard Him ask me if I still loved Him in spite of His scars. He already knew my answer would be “yes.” I also heard Him tell me He loved me no matter how much I weighed or how flawed I thought my face looked. To God, I am beautiful because I am His princess.
I went to bed last night thinking about self-esteem. I realized our self-esteem is not determined by how others see us or value us. Honestly, I always believed my self esteem was based on the people who criticized me and made fun of me growing up. But that just gave too much power to the haters in my life. Our self-esteem is how we esteem ourselves. I can have ten people pay me ten compliments but if I only see myself as ugly, fat or just plain average, those compliments are wasted words. The opposite of that of course would be esteeming ourselves too high and ignoring those who try to correct our arrogance.
My daughter has referred to herself as “ugly” before and I cringe when I hear her describe herself that way. She is truly one of the most beautiful people I know and I don’t see an inch of ugly in her. But no matter how often I call her “pretty or beautiful”, how I esteem her is superseded by how she esteems herself. Just like the “ugly” I see staring back at me exceeds any compliment anyone ever pays me. Both of us are believing a big fat lie because the truth is-God doesn’t make ugly!
God is not ugly and we are created in His image. Even Lucifer was a beautiful angel created by God. Seriously the being He knew was going to become his number one arch enemy, God. made. beautiful. If God made His enemy beautiful why on earth would He ever make you or me ugly? He wouldn’t and He didn’t. You are not ugly. I am not ugly. We are beautiful daughters and sons of the One true King.
If you’re struggling with feeling fat or ugly, ask the Lord to change your mind and to give you His eyes to see yourself exactly as He made you. Stand on 2 Corinthians 10:5-take captive every thought that is not of Christ (seeing yourself ugly is definitely NOT of Christ), demolish every argument that is against the truth (call the negative voices in your head what they really are-LIARS!) and stand on God’s truth about you. Go out in public without that make-up covered face and let your natural beauty shine. If you choose to lose weight, do it for healthy reasons not just because you think you’ll feel beautiful if you’re a size 10. Take from the girl who used to be a size 3-no matter your pants size, you will always see yourself as fat and/or ugly if you refuse to change your state of mind and esteem yourself. You are worth loving so love yourself enough to see yourself as the beauty you truly are. (And please pray for me to really put into practice what I’ve preached in this post!)